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Wednesday 17 April 2002
I am going through a crisis
of confidence. I think it's probably because the day before
yesterday I sent out 20 more folios specifically to publishers
of children's books including my favourite, "dream"
publisher. Yesterday I sat down to start work on my own book
and deciding I needed to find some inspiration (read: procrastinate)
I started browsing through some web sites of illustration
agencies. After having flicked through some portfolios of
incredibly talented artists and then reading a quote that
said "Art samples overwhelm art directors every month.
In each publishing house, up to 700 per month get tossed or
put in a file." Per MONTH?? I started feeling completely
freaked. Who am I kidding? What am I even thinking? I can't
do this! etc etc. I had to go and have a two hour nap to escape
from the creeping feeling of panic. As you can imagine, in
this kind of mood, to sit down and actually start my own children's
book seemed impossibly daunting.
I know that I have put a couple
of big ridiculous pressures on myself - the first being financial...
I keep feeling that to justify doing my own work it needs
to pay. I need to make it real by contributing to the
household income, it still sits in my mind that client work
is good and my own work is bad. I have to try and ram it into
my brain somehow that if my work does not directly equal money
in the bank then it still has value - it's still ok. The other
big pressure is that I have been saying to myself that I need
to have a book to the publishers by the time the baby arrives,
which is now only 5 and a half months away. I think I may
have to accept that it might take me a while longer and that
too is ok. Big-P got home and I had a big weep and told him
all about my day filled with terrible creative-self-doubting
woes and told him of the BIG FEAR that was beginning to move
in. He reminded me of the things I said to him last month
when he first picked up a paint brush after years and years
of being away from art. Don't expect yourself to be good at
it first time around, these things all need practice. And
don't beat yourself up if you are not good to start with,
allow yourself to play without getting too overly critical.
So today I leapt out of bed
and up to the post office where I found a parcel full of deadlines
and themes for up coming issues of a children's magazine,
welcoming me to submit sketches for their front covers. I
am sure that it is just a form letter that goes out to all
interested illustrators but as I was expecting to open the
envelope and find a polite rejection I was wrapped. Then I
came home and made lentil patties for tonight's dinner (will
post the recipe if they turn out to be a success) and this
afternoon I went out to see the 5th Australian Craft and Design
Showcase exhibition and am now feeling totally inspired. The
beautiful work of Melbourne artist and designer Sara
Thorn made me want to get my embroidery threads out and
start creating some jewel like designs... but first I must
start some book ideas, as Keri Smith kindly reminded me in
an email this morning "avoidance eats away at our self
esteem." If you haven't seen Keri's site
and read her Wish
Jar Tales you should visit there now!
link
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