Excuse me while I grizzle
I am amazed at how my body seems to be reacting to our impending move. My whole right side is aching with tension as we speak – I can feel it underneath the paracetamol. I am waking before dawn every morning, my skin hot, my mind racing. I am panicking.
I can’t remember what it feels like to be a mum alone all day. I mean, living here I have been a mum but there’s also been my mum and we share the housework, the emotional work, the tired moments before toddler bedtime. There is always my dad sitting in his back room pottering on his computer ready to take a walk and have a chat about nothing much and make the jokes that we like to make. I love the adult company – a kind of company that is easy and there if I want it. There is space and magic in this house. While I will moan about how hard it has been for all of us, these last two years, living under the one roof, in truth they have been the most creative two years of my life. Amelia has had a backyard to explore and a loving group of people to bounce around. If she finds me in a bad mood she has someone else to chat to. I am terrified of just the two of us all day, before Big-P gets home in an explosion of relaxed warmth and humour. I am terrified of not keeping my patience and of feeling helpless and heavy, of not being able to respond to Amelia’s incessant energy, her demands, her non-stop conversation. I know there are things I can do, jump in the car and take us somewhere out and about, visit the park, all that. I feel as though I have already struggled with all of this and finally found some balance and now it’s about to be tipped on its head again. This morning Amelia found me with tears on my cheeks and found a tissue and wiped them away. How the heart does melt! I want to be so much better for her.
I don’t know if anyone else feels this way. Perhaps I am just scared of the unknown, as usual. But I am scared. I am not really very good at this motherhood thing.
Claire, you are going to be fine. You’ve had a huge cushion of years with your folks, something that most new mums never get at all these days. So this will be an adjustment but don’t worry. BE CREATIVE. Perhaps your mum and dad could stay with you for a week or two to ease in the shift?
Much love, Shelley
I think most mums feel the same way that you do. I love my 2 more than I ever knew possible and yet I find myself obsessively watching the clock in the late afternoon, desperate for wayne to get home from work. Every day I promise to be more patient, less stressed out. I promise that I won’t let it all get to me and I won’t shout or cry in front of them. And then it all starts to happen again. Being at home full time with children is the hardest job in the world. I’m back to work in 2 weeks and I’m torn between being happy to get back to the world of adult company and days that I can plan and have some semblance of control over and knowing that I am going to miss being at home with these 2. I just cling to the facts – that I have 2 happy healthy kids who seem to love me just the way I am. I know it must get easier than this, I just don’t know when! Take care..
I have seen you being a mum on many an occasion and I am constantly impressed by your patience, imagination and how comfortable and safe you make Amelia feel. So I just thought I’d tell the whole blogging world that you are brilliant. So there.
I still feel like that sometimes – and I’m on baby #3 – You’ll get through it.
I still find it difficult and mine are 34! Its very scary and I’m not surprised you are feeling stressed. Its one of those things its best to acknowledge and work your way through it I find. Just take it steady as she goes, with lots of pats on the back for yourself and time to sit quietly and BREATHE! Best wishes.
You are not alone; trust me…this too shall pass.
you are scared. you are worried.you will do what it takes. It is a crazy mish mash of meeting one another’s needs. I can only offer what helps me. I say yes. The days that I say yes to my son and place my own needs on the back burner for a while are the days that I go to bed and feel like I did it right. I do not have many yes days, but heck those are the ones he is going to remember and me too. Children always ask us to better than we can ever imagine ourselves to be and we usually rise to the challenge. Be easy on yourself. She is easy and forgiving.
I think your worries about these things show that you are a GOOD momma.
I can’t believe you encapsulated motherhood so well in that paragraph! We’ve just waved goodbye to visiting interstate grandparents after a month-long visit helping out with the arrival of baby Annabel. Poor 2 year old Polly took a few days to stop running into “their room” in the morning for cuddles and yelling out “hello grandma!” as she ran in the door. So heartbreaking. I feel for you, but you sound like a fabulous mum …..
Claire, yes, this will be a hard transition for you and for Amelia too. You probably will find the first couple of months soooo long. But gradually, you and Amelia will find you own rhythm and it will be OK. I have black days and blue days with my 20-month-old, but most of our days are happy pink or crazy orange or serene quiet green. They really come to be your best friends when it’s just you and the Toddler all day. And she will help you find your feet, she will help you hit the balance. They’re amazing like that.
Oh and one little tiny tip … try to program 1-3 structured, regular, activities a week. You’ll both look forward to them so much, I promise you. We do Gymbaroo and swimming lessons and Mondays and Wednesdays are *always* cheery days because of them.
con’t
con’t
And also, you are actually very good at this motherhood thing. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be worried, because you’d foresee dumping Amelia in front of the TV for 8 hours and it wouldn’t bother you at all. You’d not be concerned about whether or not you stayed patient – it wouldn’t bother you to bite her head off or neglect her. But that’s NOT you, so you do worry, you do care, and you are doing a great job.
Admiting that you feel this way will I’m sure take a load off. You are definately not alone. I often feel as if I might just collapse from all the keeping up, cleaning up and putting on a brave face… but it is those moments (even if they are rare) when they come up to you and push their little noses up against yours and say ‘kiss, kiss’ that make it all better. I did hear somewhere that it’s only the really awesome mums who worry that they are no good at motherhood…so there you go, you must be awesome!
You are a great mother! Never, ever doubt that you are. Yes, it will be very different. I remember myself how fantastic it was when my brother stayed with us for two months, and I had another adult around during those horrible hours when I had just about had enough but still had dinners to cook, baths to run, etc, etc. And I was never even a stay at home mother, I’ve always worked. Kids are wonderful (Amelia with the tissue made me a bit sniffly), but they are hard work. Just don’t beat yourself up for finding it difficult from time to time. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be human. Hang in there.
Oh, thank goodness you posted this today. Thanks for your honesty. I am expecting my first child in late July and am absolutely petrified about my ability to be a good mum and my ability to cope alone all day. I’m excited beyond belief, but overwhelmed nonetheless. Thanks for making me feel normal and amongst good company, and thanks to all the others who posted such positive comments.
As I sit here typing this my three year old boy is standing on a plastic toy box singing at the top of his voice, the toys are from one end of the room to the other, my 10 month old daughter is making “broom broom” noises at the top of her voice and my husband is yelling “I cant hear the news”..I have a little tear in my eye from reading all of the other entries to you Claire. Not from sadness But comfort to know that there REALLY IS the same wonderful crap going on in every household with kids.There are days Im so cranky I think my head will explode and I feel like a rotten Mum…But my boy told me the other day I was his best friend!!!!!! I find going outside and taking some really deep breathes helps me…and tuning out when my childless friends tell me they are tired from working 8 hours (HA!!) But they still got to go out for dinner and have a few drinks.You sound like a fantastic Mum…simply because you try your best!!
A little girl could do no better than to have a mum like you. I know you are a great mother.
It’s clear that you are facing not one but a couple of major changes in your near future. It’s perfectly normal to stress over the effect of multiple life changes.You really only have a problem if you aren’t stressed in a major moment like this. You’re moving from pipe dreams about home ownership to the reality, so it’s logical that you would worry about the downside.
I often found that when I worried about my parenting skills, or about my son, it really wasn’t my son who needed nurturing, but that I was the one who needed a nap or a pat on the back. While you stress about the impending changes in parenting, it’s critical to leave time to nurture yourself too.
The truth is that all of the negatives you can currently imagine, and might encounter, will be counterbalanced by the positive gains. Amelia will now have two yards to play in. Your new home will allow you a fantastic canvas for artistic expression.
Stress absolutely always passes; but the good stuff, thankfully, lingers.
I’m sorry if I’m stating the obvious, but what about kindergarden? Then you’d have some time for yourself and time to work and Amelia could play with ther kids… You could pick her up early, of course. But perhaps it’s not an option?
I too, was very touch by your statements. I think every mom out there feels that way. children are such an amazing and precious gift that we sometimes feel like what did you do to deserve something so special? and it is overwhelming, being responsible for the shaping of an entire life. I don’t know if it is like this where you are, but here in America we hear terrible things on the news everyday about kids shooting each other or getting in some sort of trouble, or abuse, awful things. sometimes it seem impossible to raise your kids right. if you analyze every day there is always something you feel you did wrong, or could have done better. My mom and I are best friends, now. and she is always an inspiration. I strive to be a mom like her. and she tells me all the time that as long as my kids know that they are loved and understood then they will be ok. I have three, so it can be tough to give them all attention sometimes and not a day goes by where I don’t say to myself “maybe I should have gone outside or painted with them instead of doing that load of laundry…” but they know I have responsibility. and usually I do the painting. that is why my house looks the way it does…anyway, babbling on…you are such a nice and creative person, I am sure that will be passed on. you seem like such a loving family. let yourself be happy about this next step in your life…
Kerrie — well said! My 2 cents, Anja has a good idea — my wee girl (almost 3)loves her preschool and frankly, there are some things a peer group of toddlers can teach each other better than soft hearted family members (like sharing, compromise, rules). If you can swing the financial cost, twice a week would be a nice experience for Amilia and some head space for you. Ha, try to resist doing laundry during that time too, you know we all do it — as soon as one has some “personal time”, we go and cook, clean, organize, etc. If more of us could shelve the guilt and regularily self-tend, I bet our collective self-doubt around parenting would diminish. Best of luck with it all Claire, good vibes are being sent to you world-wide from other mums in the same boat.
It’s so difficult to be emotionally engaged with children at all times. I am always looking for a way to escape for a few minutes, and feel guilty about it (they’re only little once, the time is so fleeting and precious, etc.). But that’s just the nature of the endeavor, for everyone I think. Your honesty about it is proof that you are indeed good at this motherhood thing. You have to protect yourself from feeling resentful and self-sacrificing, because that would be worse for the child than learning the simple truth that Mom needs her time, too.
See how nicely I’ve rationalized? Yay me! xoxo Kay
I don’t have kids, and I don’t know if I ever will, but I love ’em (others peoples kids).
Thank you for posting and for all the comments, reminds me of a true saying: “we are all just humans!”
🙂
You know, I’d be worried if you weren’t having those feelings. Easy to say I know, but you are doing just fine and will continue to do so. It is very normal to feel overwhelmed at times. Your little girl is lucky to have you, she is loved and she knows it. It is perfectly ok to be less than perfect you know. The good-enough mother is the way to be…
You have been blessed by being a mom. I’m not a mother, wish to be, hopefully one day, but my sisters are. It’s not easy, but your warm sweet energy, your kindness are for sure the qualities that Amelia always remember everytime she sees you crying.You are a great mom, trust me. Don’t be scare, ’cause she sees you through your soul.
i know exactly how you are feeling right now. my husband has been the the caregiver for the last three and a half years, while i have worked full time. we are getting read to make the switch as his business is close to being up and running, and i am elated and scared to death at the same time. what am i going to do??? what if i DONT like being at home with my children? does this make me a horrible mother??? thanks for sharing, its good to know that we all are human and have our doubts.
My mother has confessed to me how terrified she was to be at home all alone with my brother and I, 2 1/2 years apart, very busy toddlers. My father always found a new job hundreds of miles away, always in a new-to-us place, every two or three years, so she was ALWAYS setting up house and having to find new friends. And I think that, terrified as she was, as many bad days as she must have had with just the two of us tiny, helpless, troublemaking, attention-ravenous little NUTS, she was the best mom ever. I was so shocked when she talked about how hard it was. She was just magic to me, but it turns out, motherhood magic is just that everyday crap and the struggle to keep your head above water.
You’ll find your new rhythms and have up days and down days. Just hang in there.
Thank you for writing about some of the fears and anxieties that so many moms (mums!) share. I don’t have much to add to the wonderful advice and support that’s already been given in this space, just my best wishes. We’ve made some similar transitions over the past few years, and thankfully each problem was more than matched by some unexpected joy. I think you’ll find it will be the same for you!
Wow, reading your post and everyone’s replies makes me think about how wonderful this blogosphere is, that moms (and non-moms) can connect across continents and tell each other that things are normal and ok. Your fears are mine too, some (most?) days I find that I can’t come near to being as good a mom as a child deserves. It’s so hard to be a better person than I actually am. I guess we just have to keep trying.
What about a playgroup. If there aren’t any you could always start one. You meet with other women or men with young children. When my 2 were young we met in the kindergarten room at the school once a week. That way they had all the toys to play with. We lived in a rural area and the school was the center of teh community. Any how you have aults to talk to, Amelia has other kids to play with. We looked forward to playgroup
You are a great mother for taking the time to be concerned! I worry about the same thing with my 2-1/2 year old daughter, Elsie. I am finishing the last month of a 6 month work contract and will soon be home again full time. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard “Mommy no go to work” over the last few weeks. What I’ve discovered with Miss Elsie is that it doesn’t matter what mood I’m in, whether I’m working on a project or building blocks with her, it just matters that I’m home and available in case she needs me. I think sometimes as mothers we set our standards too high and think our children need more than is physically possible to give. Sometimes a walk in the park together is a restful moment for Mom but the highlight of the day for the child. Don’t worry, you will figure it out.Lori
I’m sure it will be tough, and there will be days when you will lose your patience and will be in a bad mood. Best thing you can do is to forgive yourself now for all of that, because we can only do our best. There are days when Brynne and I want nothing to do with each other, but that’s the only choice we’ve got. Somehow we manage to muddle through each day – laughing, crying, playing, and inspiring each other. You want to be so much better, but you are already wonderful!
you need to count your blessings.i’d give anything for a family and a home of my own and 2 healthy parents.
Oh, I know exactly how you feel! I moved from California to Pennsylvania. My daughter was 1 at the time and I was pregnant. It was such a pain. Everything was crazy (we transported 4 cats across the USA and towed a car!). But we took it slowly and when we arrived it was cold and snowy and I was numb with shock. But I was so happy to have a place of my own (my little studio upstairs). I would go up there and sit and cry and look at my boxes of things to unpack and cry some more. But I felt good I had my place and very sad that I was so far away from my family (they are all in California. My hubby’s family is in Pennsylvania). It was a total shock and even though I had some help, you have to have time. It was very hard because I was pregnant and couldn’t lift any heavy boxes and then I had a 1 year old too. But I survived and even though everything isn’t perfect, I’m happy with the way things are moving along.I truly think crying is one of the best things to do, as well as going out and breathing fresh air. It is a type of mourning and you have to go through it.
I so much love the other posts on this subject and for you sharing your feelings. It’s so scary to do something like this but in 6 months you’ll start to get a rhythm to your new life. Plus, parents can visit and so can you.
🙂 Hope this helps,
Emily
One thing that amazed me after I was retrenched last year, was everyone’s assumption that I would automatically take Jacob out of day care and spend all day every day with him at home. I adore Jacob and i enjoy the three day weekends we have but after every Friday I spend alone with him I bow down and salute the women who do this every day of their lives. Now, I’m freelancing I have a really nice balance between mothering and work. And a very natural one. The idea of isolating women in suburban homes with children is a very recent 20th century western-middle-class innovation. Traditionally, children were bought up in mixed communities of carers. Either aristocratic parents and paid carers (servants) and estate children and employees or communities of guild workers and villagers sharing work environments, child care and life. Whatever way you find to make both of you happy is the best way and don’t let anyone else make you feel bad about it with their expectations.
Delurking.
“I am not really very good at this motherhood thing.”
In my books, anyone who actively worries about being a good parent proves by that very action that they are.
You’ll get there girl.
i doubt quite seriously anyone ever feels like they are very good at parenting. it’s such a challenging and horrifying endeavor. i’m not a parent and i’ve noticed that every single one of my friends who is a parent believes themselves to be inadequate for the job. you are so NOT alone. i think it speaks to how well living with your parents has gone that you’re a bit sad to be moving on, but living on your own as a family is going to bring it’s own set of joyfulness that you haven’t discovered yet.
I’ll tell you RIGHT NOW that you ARE “good at this motherhood thing”. Anyone who’s met Amelia would know that, without a shadow of a doubt. There’s no way a kid as happy, charming, polite, intelligent, and generally wonderful as that could even EXIST without good parenting from both you and the good doctor. The proof of the pudding etc. etc.
Hi Claire,
You probably felt a heck of a lot better after you wrote all of that, didn’t you? 😉
I’m a single guy, 35, and whenever I stress out with overwhelm, it’s because I’m projecting a future that hasn’t happened yet and imagining the worst. It’s all part of being human, and living in the moment, nothing is ever as bad as we think it will be.
You’re a good mom because you care about all this.
Indeed, I agree with Paul, the proof is in the pudding, even if she did set fire to the cat and write down “fear” and “anger” as her two favourite emotions …you have absolutelynothing to worry about….
Good luck matey 🙂
I don’t have any kids yet and i terrified that i will be a bad dad. what if i damage or break mine. Not to mention the fact that when i go to work my better half will get to spend more time with the kids and get to know them and love them more than i get to. Everyone is scared by change but without it life would stagnate and wouldn’t be worth living.
Just by reading all the comments left by those who know you i can tell you are a great mum.
Oh, Claire, I know how exactly how you feel…we just closed on our first house too. Jacob will be 2 in June, and he is not much of a napper. (Incessant energy would describe him as well.) I’m trying to freelance with illustration…but I’ve got to paint the new house, put in a kitchen floor, and install a new bathroom cabinet this weekend. (Not to mention packing our things & a million other tiny errands.) I’ve got an assignment due Monday. I worry that I’m not being a very good mother…I’m stressed & distracted & sometimes the day alone with him is SO long. But deep down I know we’ll get through it…once we’re settled into our respective homes, we’ll find a new rhythm with our little ones. It’s so nice to know of someone else going through this….feel free to email if you need someone to talk to.
I am also a mum with two beautiful little girls and I stay at home with them. This was my choice and I wouldnt have it any other way but bloody hell, some days are hard. So Claire I really feel for you and what you have said. I have no doubt that the adjustment will be tough on you all, but in the end, you battle on and you get there. You make friends in your local area and doing those set little activities like Mini Maestros and swimming and kinder are great for social interation for the kids and for you too. One thing I struggle with is the time management thing – housework versus cooking versus playing with the girls versus knitting versus quilting. And whatever way it goes I end up feeling guilty that I didnt devote enough time to something and too much to something else. I think one thing that is really good to remember is that small children are very forgiving of us and what we perceive as ourselves being “bad mother’s” they just don’t see at all. Good luck, you’ll be fine.
Oh Claire! You rule the school.
Here’s an anecdote where I used you as an example of fine motherhood and all round excellent womanliness …
I had just spectacularly burned some bacon and eggs that I had been ‘making’ for dinner, along with a store-bought salad I also ‘made’, when T-bone came rushing in to find me in tears and wailing, through the plumes of burning bacon and egg cinders, “HOW AM I EVER GOING TO BE A GOOD MUM ONE DAY IF I CAN’T EVEN COOK YOU BACON AND EGGS … FOR DINNER!”
I was thinking of you and the time you were stewing shanks (I think) for Amelia when she was a baby. At the time I didn’t even know people made their own baby food – it rocked my world.
See – you rule!
i don’t have any little ones of my own, but i think perhaps the best mums are not necessarily the flawless and infinitely patient kind.
the occasional, explanatory “Mummy is feeling grouchy right now. how about some quiet time with a book?” can be good. it will teach her that people (herself included) are not required to be self-effacingly accomodating and perennially happy. she’ll grow comfortably in her own skin with knowledge about “bad” as well as good emotions and how to deal with them.
you are scared and worried b/c of big changes and you are a mum who cares. my heart goes out to you, but don’t load yourself with guilt about those tired and frustrated moments. i don’t think it means you love her any less if you don’t enjoy every single moment with her. and from the tissue story, i think it’s evident you are doing lots of things right as a mum.
in the mean time, i hope you and Amelia will still visit w/ friends and family often after the move. having lots of loving people around is good for her and you. take care.
I have no children, so make of this what you will. But I don’t see any earthly reason why an adult person staring down the barrel of spending all day alone with a small child would not be a shade uneasy at the prospect. The nuclear family model is not automatically the natural or best way to bring up children, and I think if, after a few weeks, you find yourself not altogether enjoying the new arrangements, you would certainly not be a bad person if you tried to find another way to make things work.
I believe you just summed up the fears and concerns of so many parents. I went through similar emtions a few years ago when I went through the transition from working-outside-the-home mom to stay-at-home mom. I was blessed to have my grandmother watch my daughter for the first year of her life while I worked. The woman is kind and gentle and read books with her all day and taught her songs and all kinds of cute things I had no idea my daughter was even ready to learn. Would I be able to be as good a teacher? Would I be able to be as patient as my grandma? I know I can never live up to my grandma and her maternal caring ways, but I am surviving and my daughter is thriving. Sure, we have some rough days, but there’s enough good days to make me believe we’re doing just fine.
And you’ll be fine, too. Hang in there and know that you *are* a good mother.
Hi Claire,I have no doubt that you are a good mother. I think just the fact that you worry about it indicates that you are. I think most moms worry about this. Always wondering “AM I GOOD ENOUGH?” Always criticizing, always beating ourselves up. As an interesting sidenote, I only know of one woman who thinks she is the be all and end all when it comes to motherhood and she is poorest excuse for a mother I’ve ever seen. So maybe that says something. How many do you know actually think they are great mothers? Hang in there, you’ll do great!
Gee, that’s one of the reasons I don’t yet *have* children, exactly the fears you name. I have kept them mostly to myself. Hang in there. Your love for her will lift you and make you a better mom. And remember that good moms need time to themselves as well – it’s healthy and not at all a sign that you’re not a good mother. 🙂
I think that the fact that we want to do motherhhood “better”, means we are doing something right. There is so much pressure on Moms today. Its ok to be tired, grumpy, scared. Its hard, really hard.You’ll do fine. My oldest just turned 18, and instead of crying, like I always thought I would, I thought “one down, 2 to go! (smile)
Oh Claire! I find myself in the exact same situation all the time, and it feels good to know that I’m not alone. I have two kids (3 and 5), and baby number 3 is on her way soon (in a short 11 weeks), and there are moments when both babies are fussy, and I FREAK OUT. There are moments that I’m terrified of what the future will hold for me…..I do know, however, that things will work out for me. Things will work out for you too. Have faith! Chin up! And always remember that little Amelia loves you whether you’re having a good or bad day.
Clare, you are an amazingly inspiring individual and there is NO WAY you could EVER be a bad Mother*!The fact that you are even worrying about this stuff means you are indeed a FABULOUS Parent* Being nervous in life is the norm, take a deep breath and smile, it will all soon return to normal and we are all here for you in the meantime 🙂
<3 <3 <3
Oh, I can empathize. We moved from my mom’s about 7 months ago and I thought it would so wonderful and truhfully it was a HUGE difficult adjustment that I am still in the midst of. Thankfully we have great neighbors and I have a dear friend I talk to on the phone every day and my relationship with my mom is healing. You WILL survive! Crafting has helped me stay sane (mostly sane, that is). I’m thinking of you….
Geez…reading this I could swear I wrote it. I struggle all day every day with the need to be alone & crafty AND QUIET vs. the guilt (for feeling that way)while gazing at my 2 kids’ sweet faces. And probably will every day for the rest of my life. Such are the joys of motherhood. Nothing a gin & tonic and medication can’t help…some times. =) Hang in there, you are not alone.