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So, to continue my story from yesterday
about the large knot in my stomach… after much thought and
discussion with Big-P over our direction in life, love and
lolling-around, we decided we really don't want to keep
going with the company - even if some wonder-investor came
along tomorrow, it wouldn't make a hell of a lot of difference
because it's not what either of us wants to be doing.
I don't want to keep dealing with horrible clients who
have no money, no vision and no idea. It's really as
simple as that.
Needing to talk to someone about
all this stuff, we invited ourselves over to Mum and Dad's
for dinner, and thankfully Grandma and Grandpa have left
so we were able to flake out in the lounge room under the
delicious blast of the air conditioner. Mum got home from
work first and had a really nice, long chat to us about what
we was troubling us. She was so good and rational and made
all the right noises about how it really would be for the
best if we stopped struggling along with the company. To explain
very quickly, this is a company that we started almost 2 years
ago doing web development. The principals of the company are
me, Big-P, Lil'Bro and Dad. What was I thinking??
Of course it was going to be difficult working with the three
main men in my life! Every business meeting intermingles with
feelings and family issues of old. It's always intense,
always draining and rarely satisfying. Anyway - Dad got home
a while later looking exhausted and pissed-off and wasn't
as receptive at all to our emotional "I want out" conversation.
He was absolutely disappointed and for a usually optimistic
man, he had no positive words at all.
So we went out for some hot hot hot
Tandoori and kept talking over dinner. It really didn't
get any easier and despite Mum trying to smooth the situation
out, it just got more and more sad. I felt so heavy, feeling
as though we were stomping all over dad's dreams. I told
them that the only thing I really want to do is chase my dream
of doing illustration professionally - something I've
always wanted to do, but never considered to be a "real" career
choice (whatever that is!). But why not? It's as
real as any other. I could still do a little interface design
as well… just not for annoying clients!
After dinner Big-P and I headed back
to the apartment in 34°c heat (at 11pm! - no wonder we felt
like shit). All these crazy feelings of disappointing my parents
reared their ugly heads, I cried all the way home in the car
and then had an awful, restless sleep.
At around 4am I woke up to the smell
of smoke. I got up to find out if we were on fire and even
though our apartment was fine, the smell was so strong I woke
Big-P and we went outside to look for billowing, black clouds
anywhere around the neighbourhood. The smell was so strong
and everything was kind of hazy. It felt very surreal to be
standing on a deserted main road, in my pyjamas, in a kind
of smoky, sleepy haze at four in the morning. There was no
evidence of a fire that we could see, but this morning we
found out that some kids set fire to hedge / fence just up
the road last night. It's the 11th to be burnt in 3 weeks.
This morning I felt even worse. It
was kind of a heavy nervous feeling that I haven't really
felt since having to give a class paper at Uni. I was wondering
if giving up working for the company is really a good idea
- sense of quitting, sense of failure, sense of fear of jumping
into the unknown, and all that.
We saw Dad again this morning. It
was with great relief that we discovered that he was cheerful
and inspired and treating the whole deal as a positive opening
up of opportunities. We are yet to discuss further whether
we really want to stop all together or keep doing projects
in a less formal, time consuming capacity. We'll see.
Lil' Bro hasn't been privy to this development as
he left for Sydney yesterday afternoon as his loverly GF was
needing him to be around. He'll probably be pleased because
he's been dying to move up there permanently, and was
planning to do so in June at the latest.
Sorry these entries have been so
dull and confused. But that's my life sometimes!
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